Porcelain Fists, (Inside Karma Ashcroft's Mind)
by Eve Roose
Summary: Suddenly her greatest fear had become reality. Just a Karma's character study, not really a Karmy or Kiam fic.


A/N: So, basically this is a Karma's character study, not really a Karmy or Kiam fic. I know many people hate Karma for the way that she made Amy suffer and that many don't consider her an interesting character, but I rather think she is one of the most real of the entire show. I just think that we haven't got yet the chance to know her for real. I bet she's a complex character, I mean, I know that she made some questionable choices but in the end she's still young and she never meant to hurt anyone. I hope the show will give her more space, so we'll get to understand the reasons for her actions.

The title is from the Ingrind Michaelson song "Porcelain Fists". Hope you like it and please, leave a comment. Either positive or negative, I really want to know your opinion. I apologize in advance if there are some grammatical errors, English is not my mother tongue but I'm trying to improve it.

PORCELAIN FISTS (Inside Karma Ashcroft' Mind)

She had said that. She had said to Amy that she could have never hated her. And, back then, she truly believed that.

Back then, she couldn't even imagine to hate her. She loved her, she was her best-friend, the one who really knew Karma. The idea of being hurt by her was simply unimaginable.

Karma was aware that she was the one who hurt Amy first. But that was different because it wasn't intentional. She didn't feel that way about Amy, even if a part of her wished she did. Hurting Amy was never her goal, and if she had known that her friend had feelings for her, she would have stopped the whole faking thing way before. But this time Amy wanted to hurt her, she admitted that first. Yeah, she was heartbroken and drunk but she still wanted to hurt her.

And that was simply too bad to be believable. To Karma, Amy was the only one person who could have never hurt her on purpose. But she was wrong and being wrong about that hurt so fucking much. Who could she trust if she couldn't trust Amy?

And then there was Liam. The first boy she felt for because he has been the first boy who really noticed her. Yeah, at first he noticed her just because she pretended to be a lesbian, but after that, it was for something else, Karma was sure about that. And the idea that someone could love her for her just being her was just so good to Karma. Deep inside, she knew that continually seeking approval from others wouldn't made her happy, but Karma couldn't help it. It was like she felt the uncontrollable need to prove that she was better in front of others, whenever the opportunity arose.

It seemed so easy to disappear in the crowd.

Karma was afraid that if she didn't commit enough to be an interesting person, people would eventually got tired of her and eventually she would have been alone.

Even her parents made her feel inadequate. Sometimes they seemed so taken by the need of being alternative to not even notice the real Karma, and she was still afraid of not being enough interesting for them. Though things got better between her and her parents after she "came out" as heterosexual.

The fact that Liam Booker, the most wanted boy in the school, had chosen her among all the other girls, made Karma feel fulfilled. It might seem superficial but with Liam at her side, Karma no longer felt the need to prove something to people.

The only other person who could distract Karma from her insecurities had always been Amy. But while staying with Liam made her feel as if she had managed to prove to people that she was good enough, since she had been able to conquer the most wanted guy, being with Amy made her feel as if there was no need at all to prove something to people. Amy had always loved her unconditionally, there had never been the need to prove anything between the two of them.

That's why the whole situation sucked that much. Karma had been hurt by the only two people who had ever made her happy.

And she didn't know if she would ever be able to recover.

She felt so lost, so betrayed. As if the only certainties in her life had vanished front of her eyes. As if a tiny arrow had pierced her armor and had hit her where it hurt the most, straight to the heart. She felt so unstable, with no footholds. She would have just wanted someone to lean on and to be comforted by, but the worst thing of all was that she couldn't do that.

Suddenly her greatest fear had become reality: she was alone.


End file.
